This segment is being done in two parts. Alcohol affects everyone differently. However, The Social Drinker (read: Teetotaling Sissy) will feel and behave much differently than a seasoned drinker. Since things vary heavily depending on bodyweight (and not all large people can hold their liquor), we’ll leave the levels based on blood concentration rather than number of drinks. Let’s start where it starts:

Blood Alcohol Concentration: (g/100 ml)

0.00 – 0.05 “Sober”

0.06 – 0.09 Loose

0.10 – 0.15 Tipsy

0.16 – 0.20 Drunk

0.21 – 0.25 Hammered

0.26 – 0.30 Wasted

0.31 – 0.40 Straight Fucked

0.41 – 0.50 Tommy Brolin

0.00 – 0.05 “Sober” At this stage, most people will seem normal. Reaction time is cut by a factor of two, accompanied by mild euphoria.

0.06 – 0.09 Loose Now things start happening; at this level your judgment and coordination are affected (now by a factor of four). Inhibition begins to crumble. Beer muscles swell, stories are told, and that fish? It was huge. Everyone you’ve ever fucked moves up two points (on a base-10 system).

0.10 – 0.15 Tipsy Inhibition goes out the window. Simple tasks, like scribbling notes on a bar napkin, become more difficult. Reaction time disintegrates as your overall sense of time begins to fail, but things are going well! You’re calling everyone by the wrong name, but that won’t deter you in the least from trying to hook up with the twins in line for the bathroom. Much of this will be fuzzy in the morning, but you’ll fill in the details with crayon.

0.16 – 0.20 Drunk You’re friends will recognize this phase from across the bar when they see you ordering a round of shots. A second round is sure to follow. There is a near-miss with a fist-fight as you fumble for money and realize that you have none. Your “quick run” to the ATM will take half an hour, with a detour to the bathroom.

0.21 – 0.25 Hammered You should have called it quits an hour ago. Did you? No, you ordered six shots of 99 Bananas for you and your new closest friends. Where did they go, anyway? Fuck . . . you need to go to the ATM again. Whatever. Someone hands you a shot and you drink it, everyone is cheering about something.

0.26 – 0.30 Wasted You’ve just thrown up. On yourself. You try to clean it up, so you can go back into the bar. Huh? The bouncer isn’t having it, and he doesn’t care that your friends are in there. No, you can’t go in that door either. Get off the sidewalk. You try to call them, but only after drunk-dialing half a dozen people for booty calls or phone sex . . . or a friendly voice. Thanks, Mom. Love you too.

0.31 – 0.40 Straight Fucked Your friends have been looking for you for an hour. They drag you out of the alleyway, where you’ve been sleeping, and carry you to the car. You get to ride in the trunk, since you’ve pissed yourself. You’re too wasted to notice the difference. This stage is sometimes referred to as “acute intoxication”, or intoxication of “clinical significance”, and unless your friends get you to the hospital you’re pretty much fucked.

0.41 – 0.50 Tommy Brolin Dude, Tommy’s not breathing. His lips are blue. Help me get him out of the trunk. It wasn’t my idea to leave him in there overnight . . . No, this isn’t funny, fuckhead . . .

Next up: Blood Alcohol and the Seasoned Drinker —